Self Portrait...

Don't mind the hand smudges. This was taken in Chicago at the big Cloud Gate sculpture.

Where is the pure joy?

I was at a spa party last night. Word is spreading that we are pregnant so lots of congratulations. I feel so bad everytime because I just really have to paint on a smile and I know some people can see it's not genuine. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy and excited about being pregnant. It's just that with our miscarriages, I just can't relax and enjoy the moment. I always have to paint on the smile and say "thank you"... say that our fingers are crossed... say everything is going well for now. There is no future planning. No name books, no pregnancy books, heck, I only got out the maternity clothes because my pants were getting snug.

Call me selfish but I want the joy. I want to be one of those women who tells everyone they are pg before the pregnancy stick even dries. I want a husband so excited that he picks me up and spins me around in excitement. I want that joy but sadly, we have been robbed of that. The miscarriages robbed us an instead left behind scared, cautious and cynical people.

We just instead give our disclaimers, give the fake smile and show everyone the crossed fingers.

I love being a "family"

For years I wanted to be a "family". We were a "couple" for so long and I envied people who could do all of those "family" things. Don't get me wrong, the freedom of "couple" was great but I wanted something more.


Tonight was one of those "family" times. We went to the local park for the weekly free concert. It was great! We met friends and had a picnic before the concert started. C had a blast and she made sure everyone around her did too. She was dancing away in the way that only my girl does and everyone was enjoying her Saturday Night Fever moves. We got ice cream, danced and just had a good time being a "family".


I know it's not what everyone wants, but for me, "family" is the greatest gift I have ever been given.


btw... our family is set to expand in about 27 weeks or so!

shhh... don't ever tell people you like to take pictures!

Here is how it started...

Her: Wanna go walk around the store?

Me: Sure (with hesitation)

H: Hey, I hear you take pictures.

M: Well, I have a decent camera and take lots of pictures of C.

H: What are you doing Sunday? (this is on Tuesday)

M: Why, do you need pictures for the newspaper? (thinking engagement annoucement)

H: No, a wedding. (laughs)

M: Oh no, no, no... I don't do weddings. No, no weddings!

Well, to say the least she talked me into it. It was a very small family affair in someone's home. They were not looking for a 20x24 portrait, just a documentation of the day and pictures of her with her grandmother. They are going to have an official wedding next June (long story but I understand the reasoning) but her grandmother is elderly and she is afraid she may not be here by then. That's right... she guilted me with the elderly grandmother ploy!!! (she herself will make a wonderful mother one day with guilting abilities like that!)

So, Sunday came and I think I was as nervous as the bride. I had discussed the images she would like to capture. My battery was 100% and the memory card was empty and ready for lots and lots of pictures. The day was beautiful as was the bride and off it went.

I think it went pretty well. I had a good time and ended up spending a lot of time on editing to just clean up little things but I think they will be happy with the end result.

Note to self and others too... if you take photos... keep it to yourself! It was fun, worked out well but the thought of not doing a good job had me stressing myself out!

The little things that can make me a little sad...

Through having C and knowing friends who have babies who have gone through intestinal surgery, open heart surgery, leukemia and having friends who have had late pregnancy losses... well, I feel silly over something so small.

We went to the eye dr. today. C's eyes have been crossing some. I guess I was just prepped that we were going to do surgery. I was ready for surgery, I was not ready for glasses.

She really does not need them for her actual vision. She is crossing one eye and not focusing as well as she used to. The dr. is hoping that by doing the glasses (bifocals at that!), she will strengthen by learning to focus better. That in turn will stop the crossing.

Maybe it's because I didn't get glasses until I was 39, and even then, I only wear them a couple times a month when my eyes are tired at work. Maybe it's because I was just noticing how amazing the colors of her eyes really are. I am afraid that the glasses will take away from that.

It doesn't matter what my problem is because yep, "Miss feisty, I WILL not even keep a barrett in my hair or a hat on my head", needs glasses. Realistically I have NO idea how we will ever keep glasses on her. I think soon enough the battle to keep glasses on a very strong willed 2 1/2 year old will make me forget all about what my problem was after all.

See... We're Not Always Happy!

One of the things that annoys me more than any other steryotype about Down syndrome is the comment... "they're always happy." I don't know who came up with that idea, and I know any parent of a child with ds would agree, but they are far from happy all the time. C is such an expressive and dramatic girl. I love that about her. She is 2 1/2 and has full blown temper tantrums and believe me, she is NOT happy when it is happening. Wanna know what makes her even madder during a tantrum? When mean old mommy gets out her camera to have documented proof. PEOPLE WITH DOWN SYNDROME ARE NOT HAPPY ALL THE TIME!

Here is my proof. (don't mind the red tongue, she was eating strawberry fluff before the drama began)

Time marches, ok... full out runs, on

Wednesday is a big day. Only 2 more days and C will move from the early intervention program that we have known for 2 1/2 years. She started when she was a mere 10 weeks old. I can't believe how much she has grown. On that first day she met her first "friend" A. He is only 6 days older then C and he also has Down syndrome. We were very lucky to have someone else so perfectly matched up to us. Someone who understood the emotions and that we could meet and play with in real life. C & A have grown and so have us moms and dads.

Wednesday C & A move on to the next phase and become preschoolers. How in the world did this happen. Time has flown by and created this amazing little person who is going to just take in every new adventure in pre-school and breathe it right in like she does with everything in her life.

I love my preschooler so much!

The first day of school.

Walking through the hall at school last week!