I just don't understand...

I know there was a historic election and I am personally very happy with the outcome. Today though can't erase the sadness from Monday.

I got information last week that the 17 year old son of my favorite buyer at my old job had died. It was not an illness and obviously a shock. The funeral was yesterday.

I have for a long time questioned my faith/religion and things like this make me question it that much more. Someone one pointed out something to me and I think I had a bit of a revelation. Faith and religion do not have to go hand in hand and are really not even the same. I do consider myself a person with a lot of faith. If I did not have faith, I would not have my beautiful girls. Even with miscarriage after miscarriage, I did have faith that we could finally have a child and then that we could have two.

I have tried hard to be "religious" but I guess I just don't believe in a true God. I do take my girls to church and C is in the church choir so we sing about God. Fact is, I don't want my lack of belief in a God to influence my girls thoughts one day. I want to expose them to church and then let them decide where to go with their faith/religion one day.

This funeral yesterday just seemed to really do it for me. I just think, if there is a God, how very cruel to take away a 17 year old son. Yes, the priest said that he is now with God, his father. Well, I want him with my friend, his father here on earth (along with his mother and 2 sisters) When I saw my friend and hugged him, I could just feel that heaving that your body does when you are trying to hold back the sobs that make you want to drop to your knees. It just killed me to know that someone was going through such pain. He just said "Dear God, let me just get through this." Maybe it's because I am a parent now, but I just can't imagine a loving God who would make someone go through that.

I know there is a lot of rambling here, I am just typing as thoughts come to my head.

I hear and see others who have such a strong belief in a God and I wish I could have that... for now, I will have to settle for having faith.