I was at a spa party last night. Word is spreading that we are pregnant so lots of congratulations. I feel so bad everytime because I just really have to paint on a smile and I know some people can see it's not genuine. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy and excited about being pregnant. It's just that with our miscarriages, I just can't relax and enjoy the moment. I always have to paint on the smile and say "thank you"... say that our fingers are crossed... say everything is going well for now. There is no future planning. No name books, no pregnancy books, heck, I only got out the maternity clothes because my pants were getting snug.
Call me selfish but I want the joy. I want to be one of those women who tells everyone they are pg before the pregnancy stick even dries. I want a husband so excited that he picks me up and spins me around in excitement. I want that joy but sadly, we have been robbed of that. The miscarriages robbed us an instead left behind scared, cautious and cynical people.
We just instead give our disclaimers, give the fake smile and show everyone the crossed fingers.
For years I wanted to be a "family". We were a "couple" for so long and I envied people who could do all of those "family" things. Don't get me wrong, the freedom of "couple" was great but I wanted something more.
Tonight was one of those "family" times. We went to the local park for the weekly free concert. It was great! We met friends and had a picnic before the concert started. C had a blast and she made sure everyone around her did too. She was dancing away in the way that only my girl does and everyone was enjoying her Saturday Night Fever moves. We got ice cream, danced and just had a good time being a "family".
I know it's not what everyone wants, but for me, "family" is the greatest gift I have ever been given.
btw... our family is set to expand in about 27 weeks or so!
M: Well, I have a decent camera and take lots of pictures of C.
H: What are you doing Sunday? (this is on Tuesday)
M: Why, do you need pictures for the newspaper? (thinking engagement annoucement)
H: No, a wedding. (laughs)
M: Oh no, no, no... I don't do weddings. No, no weddings!
Well, to say the least she talked me into it. It was a very small family affair in someone's home. They were not looking for a 20x24 portrait, just a documentation of the day and pictures of her with her grandmother. They are going to have an official wedding next June (long story but I understand the reasoning) but her grandmother is elderly and she is afraid she may not be here by then. That's right... she guilted me with the elderly grandmother ploy!!! (she herself will make a wonderful mother one day with guilting abilities like that!)
So, Sunday came and I think I was as nervous as the bride. I had discussed the images she would like to capture. My battery was 100% and the memory card was empty and ready for lots and lots of pictures. The day was beautiful as was the bride and off it went.
I think it went pretty well. I had a good time and ended up spending a lot of time on editing to just clean up little things but I think they will be happy with the end result.
Note to self and others too... if you take photos... keep it to yourself! It was fun, worked out well but the thought of not doing a good job had me stressing myself out!
So, why do I care what this person has to say? I don't know, you are the one who showed up to read.
I am Peggy and I live with my husband and our 2 girls C and J. We have gone through the ringer to get our girls. Before C we had 6 miscarriages. Then when C was born, we had the shock of our lives when we learned that she has Down syndrome. For years, Down syndrome was a big focus in my life. While it still is, time has showed me that life with C is very normal and while ds is still important to me, I just don't see it as the focus on C anymore. It is a part of her, it is not what defines her.
We decided to have a second baby and again, went through the miscarriage rollercoaster. We had 2 more miscarriages and were finally blessed with J.
Life is crazy but it's crazy good and I wouldn't trade it for the world.