I was at a spa party last night. Word is spreading that we are pregnant so lots of congratulations. I feel so bad everytime because I just really have to paint on a smile and I know some people can see it's not genuine. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy and excited about being pregnant. It's just that with our miscarriages, I just can't relax and enjoy the moment. I always have to paint on the smile and say "thank you"... say that our fingers are crossed... say everything is going well for now. There is no future planning. No name books, no pregnancy books, heck, I only got out the maternity clothes because my pants were getting snug.
Call me selfish but I want the joy. I want to be one of those women who tells everyone they are pg before the pregnancy stick even dries. I want a husband so excited that he picks me up and spins me around in excitement. I want that joy but sadly, we have been robbed of that. The miscarriages robbed us an instead left behind scared, cautious and cynical people.
We just instead give our disclaimers, give the fake smile and show everyone the crossed fingers.
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12 years ago
5 comments:
I'm SO sorry you feel robbed of that joy, that you so rightly deserve. I would encourage you to just throw your inhibitions aside and relish in this pregnancy...however, knowing you (well, as much as one can on-line!) I know that you are not going to put yourself out like that. So I will just say that I continue to pray for this pregnancy and for you...and I hope to relish in the joy of a new baby with you real soon!
I can totally relate to everything that you said. I think that was me to a T. I didn't want to plan anything, for fear that something would happen. Sadly having multiple miscarriages scars us and takes away that blissful pregnancy feeling. I will continue to pray for you and this little one
I agree with Jen. Sometimes you just have to give in and let joy wash over you. It's so very hard to lose something you want so desperately, but you want to feel that happiness just as much. Go with it.
Peggy, I am so sorry you have to deal with those feelings... it's truly not fair. I've never been in your shoes but I agree with the others... tryyy to be excited. Allow yourself to be! You have made it this far, and you have a lot of people praying for you. Congradulations again ;) I think about you all the time.
Jessica and I have had this very same discussion. It is very hard to feel excited when you are scared inside. My thoughts are with you during this time.
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